So I've heard tell of patches that incorporate internet data to alter parameters, but I haven't the slightest idea how to do it. Is it purely a Javascript thing, or are there Max objects that can be used for this?

real-time-data-from-the-web

Have a look at [jit.uldl] and [jit.str.regexp]. There's a "parser" subpatch in the latter which provides a working example. That should give you a place to start, if you have any other questions as you progress then this is the best place to ask.

Real time data from the web